Excerpts from the Ancient Book of Stratology

[Philby]

I found this over on the Strat-Talk forum while looking up the origin of Fender Special Run (FSR) instruments. It made me spit my lunch over my keyboard in hysterics. Hope everyone else gets a laugh.


And in the beginning there was darkness upon the ears of the earth and then Pan did strike his hoof against a rock and cry out "Owe! That did hurt greatly!" So was born the sound, and it was good, and this was Thursday, a little after three-ish.

Then did come the lute, and the music that it played was mellow and lustrous, until one day did the lute bring forth a sour note, wherein Pan did take it to the Lute Center on Sunset, seeking for the luthier therein. But the luthier was not to be found, for the lute salesman did say unto Pan, "Dude, that's like a totally old school lute, you need to trade it in".

And Pan did rightly flee the hands of the salesman and ran far from the place called in Babylonian "Hollywood', and did find himself far away in a land of oranges, and the locals did call the place "Fullerton". And Pan did find himself in the shop of a goodly man who did fix radios sets, and he said to the man, "Who dost thou be?" and the man said unto him, "I am Leo".

From the Book of Awesome, Chapter 51, verse 62:
For when the Great Leo did look upon the guitar that his hands had made and he said, "It is good!".

But the serpent, Gibson as he was called, did send his servant Seth, son of Lover, to the US Patent Office for unto them to make request of the number of the Beast, or PAF. For within the accursed HB, lay the voices of the demons.

And lo, many years later, the serpent did confuse the people and even the young prophet, Eddie of the Van Halen, and cause them to place the accursed HB into the sacred Fender, and many were drawn away from the true light and unto the wailing and gnashing of strings in the fires of heck.
And lo, many years had passed since the Great Leo had passed the company unto the C of the BS. And the C of the BS then did much damage to the great name of the Fender. And things were quite bad and did the Japanese invent the Hair Metal and the pointy headstock with the accursed HB's. And the angel of darkness, whose name was called Floyd of the Rose, did place into the pointy heads his device of perdition... And it was a very dark time in all of the land...

After many seasons had passed and the FMIC did take back from the C of the BS the sacred company, they did send out a memo unto the marketing dudes and did say, "We languish in the pits of revenue! Maketh for us a marketing plan, wherein we shall regain the market share! Gather unto ye all the Great Ones, for to make of them Signature models! For in thus shall ye save your jobs!"

And they did gather unto them, first, Eric, the Slow Hand. Soon after did come the Jeffery of Beck, and even Oy-vey Marmelsteen, whose name no one could say aloud without snickering. And the people of the marketing did bring out the Vintage Reissues, of the '57 and the '62, for it was good and they should never have messed with it anyway!

More and more of the Great Ones appeared and brought forth the Signatures. And then the Shop of Custom did arise for to make what people wanted, but only so long as what they wanted was on the list of options. And one day a marketing guy, his name is called Don, did say unto the pitch room, "Why then shall we not bring forth many "Limited Editions", wherein we may jack up the prices, creating great wealth for the company, and again, saving our jobs?"

And did the FMIC then conjure up the FSR, and paint them with different paints for to make them "limited". And also the amps were covered in different colors, also to make them of the "limited". And the people were greatly impressed and did buy the FSR to play a while, and to offer upon the Evilbay for exaggerated resale prices, for they were "limited".

From The Third Book of Beck, beginning with the Second Chapter, and the 17th verse:
And as it was that Beck did journey throughout the land making music and causing to sing the Birds of the Yard. Having many times brought forth the songs of Rod, did Beck find it a low time now, for FM had been taken by such evil as Duran and Duran, The Lauper child known as Cindy, and also Nena who did sing for 99 weeks of the red balloons. For the Rock which had been for to stick it to the man, now had become owned by the man. And it was a dark time indeed.

At this same time did the marketing dudes cry out unto Beck and say, “Come ye hither into our offices whereupon we shall make for thee the Stratocaster of your desires! Desire ye a silly-ass roller nut? We shall make it for thee! Ask ye for the lifeless and dull Lace Sensor? Have ye but to ask and it shall be so!”

But Beck did refuse them. And they came again to him a second time and said, “Surely thou dost know this Rock, for thou art English and have the hair of great length! Thou must know this Rock!” But Beck did again deny them.

And yet a third time did the dudes of the marketing come to Beck in the outer courts, a little outside of Mayford, at this cool little pub, and said unto him, “Surely, thou must be of the Rock! We have seen thine modified Esquier upon which thou hast many times shredded! Thou knowest this Rock!” But for a third time, beck did deny. And then a juke box played, As My Guitar Gently Weeps, and did the Beck run from the place and take up the dreaded Jackson of the Pointy Head and the Dark Angel Floyd. And it was a very dark time indeed…

Continuing from the Book of The Acts of the Artists, Chapter 1, the 20th verse:
For in that place did dwell the apostle Eric, who was called Slow Hand, and sometimes even God. And upon his recovery, did Eric go lay down Sally, and found himself at the halls of the Great Place, hence in the County of Oranges. And the voices of the marketing dudes did cry unto him, “Ibanez has stolen the market and Jackson and Charvel are indistinguishable from one and other! Oh Great Slow Hand! Lend unto us your name, and we will make for thee the Stratocaster! The Greatest Stratocaster of all, for it shall bear your name, it shall be the Strat of God!”

And did Eric say unto them, “Chill dudes, for ye have truly lost your ****! I shall speak unto the builders and we shall indeed makest this ultimate Strat, yet, shall thee call it simply, ‘Eric’s Strat’, for God is a transitory title and shall soon be given to a new player to be named later.” Eric said this as prophesy of the coming of the Eddie of Van Halen.

And Eric did sit with the R&D guys for seven days and seven nights, and they did drink much coffee, and many sketches were made. And the sketches were given to the CNC machinists, who did program their machines and did produce the bodies and the necks. And the R&D guys did ask, “Whence then shall the pickups be wrought?” And Eric did say, “I know a guy named Lace.” And the R&D guys said, “We have heard of this man, and also of his pickups. They are without the sacred hum, and lifeless as a mackerel bait fish which has been a month in the bottom of the bait holds!” And Eric said, “Yes, all of this is true, but yet I can bring forth great tones from even these, for I could in fact find a banjo having been fallen from an ox-cart and bang on it with a stick, and bring out Mojo and Vibe.” And so it was done.

The Acts of the Artists, Chapter 49 (also called the Nocaster chapter)
As the battle of the Hair Metal Pointy Heads waged on in the Valley of FM, a new evil arose which was called MTV. And the false prophet Michael which did own both the MTV and the Grammys did dance and shout, “A hoo, hoo, hoo!” from all the living rooms.

And the marketing dudes did say to the production line, “Why linger thou so long? The Eric Signature Strat must go and do battle!” and the production line cried out, “For the frets sticketh out the sides and be so sharp as to cut thine hands!” And the marketing dudes said, “Deal with it!” and did place the MSRP on it of $1500 shekels.

And then they made the Strat Plus, which had many enticements upon it to draw out the Apostle Beck, who had thrice denied the Rock and embraced the Pointy Head. For upon the Plus did lurk a two-point trem, a Wilkinson roller nut, and the tuners of Sperzel, which were known to have magic powers. And then they brought forth the Elite, with some silly-ass pickups that looked neither vintage nor modern, yet some said, “Oh, that’s cool.”

And Beck did hear of the great deeds of the Slow Hand and the marketing dudes, and he did come unto the new factory in Area of the Orange and said, “The neck is as skinny as a super model on a fast!” And they replied, “Yes, tis true, but if Ibanez can claim ‘Skinny is fast’, then likewise shall we!”

And Beck did say, “Bring unto me yonder baseball bat!” and they brought it to him, and with the edge of his hand did Beck cleave the bat in two! And Beck presented the halved bat unto the CNC guys and said, “That’s more like it!” And so the CNC guys did make for Beck a neck that was as half a baseball bat, and did fit it with the roller nut of Wilkinson, and yet did it buzz madly. And Beck said, paint this yellow! For I shall tour again and shred upon this Stat!” And it was a very good thing.

[cuzwilly]

Great read. makes me want to say AMEN.